這篇日記因為打的時候覺得思緒會比較順，就先用英文打了。看來趕不上本週話題。等我精神好點再打個中文版。先貼在這裡分享給英文強的人囉！
" Grace, let me--let me just get this out first. Um, I was having lunch in the piazza the other day, and--and I look up from my soppressata panini-- that's Italian for bologna sandwich-- and, um, I see this really old couple holding hands and kissing. And, I mean, they were-- they were really going at it, you know, like in a way that you really don't ever want to see anybody kiss. And, um... it--it-- it was just gross. And, uh, all I could think of was, um...was you. That--that is so not what I wanted that to sound like, um-- Grace, you told me to move on, and--and I tried. I tried, but I can't. And, um... I guess, um... I guess what I'm trying to say is, um, I want that old couple to be us, you know? I-I want to be gross with you."
- Leo Markus proposing to Grace Adler, "Will and Grace"
In the past couple years, I guess you could say I've been soul-searching; not so much questioning my morals, but more on the introspective examination of my various beliefs and ideals.
As you may have guessed from my choice quote, the primary topic I have been pondering upon is Love. You may further deduce that what prompted this "soul-searching" was something along the lines of a crushing rejection. You would be right.
What is "Love"?
Sometimes it's that rush you get when your eyes meet and your heart is filled with so much joy that you feel like it's about to lift you up in the air like a hot air balloon from where you'd scream out so loud just so you could fill the world around you with just the echoes of her name.
Sometimes it's when you smother yourself with your pillow because it is 4 am and you don't want to wake up your neighbors with your screams or because you know even pulling out the entire tissue box would not stop the tears from flowing out as you try to figure out what went wrong.
Love is all of that, but also... more.
The above really only ends at Romeo & Juliet kind of "love". But what was R&J about? It really isn't any kind of fantastic romance by any means. It was about the freedom to choose, albeit the basis of their choice was merely a chance encounter at a social gathering and Romeo either felt jolted by some mysterious attraction or more simply put, he thought Juliet was hot. But that was good enough for its time.
Choosing one's love was not truly explored as society's norm until maybe 50 years ago when we moved away from "courting" and shifted towards "dating" so we can choose based on what we feel, rather than go through some checklist of material or superficial needs. What a rich history we have, right? That's exactly why Love is so complicated.
None of us really know what the fuck we're doing.
Sure, we all care at some level about our youth and looks. Sure, who doesn't want that that romantic, enchanting, charming, bewitching chemistry between you where every time you're together it's fireworks. But that's really only the first stage, or even just a small part of it all.
Sometimes it's a lot simpler than that, just merely being around, being together and you feel... nice. You feel that it's natural, it's soothing. You feel like you can be you. You feel Safe.
Sometimes it's seeing the frown lines between her brows and you don't know what it is, or you do know, and seeing it makes you feel bad, or sometimes, even worse than she feels.
Sometimes it's when you're in a college dorm co-ed bathroom and you realized just how much you loved your girlfriend and decided that right here, right now, you want her to know that - never mind that she is sitting on a humming laundry machine, never mind the people coming in and out checking out the scene, never mind the toilet flushing or the guy singing in the shower. All you can see in that space is just You, and Her, and you want to make sure she knows what you feel with an improvised speech.
But even still, we want more than that.
What Leo said to Grace is the perfect quote that captures the "idea" I'm looking for. You can't just listen to the words, but also feel the emotions expressed and the subtle connection between the characters. He's clearly fumbling with his words, and that's "real". When you're emotional, you don't have time to make some deep analytical statement or smooth talking or even speak coherently. Yet at the same time, he understood her, and accept her, as he knew she not only would not know what a soppressata panini is, and that in her clumsiness if he didn't explain she'd assume wrongly what it meant (you might have to be familiar with the show and the character to know what I'm talking about). Yet, despite that, he accepts her as she is. He doesn't disrespect her for being stupid, he doesn't ask her to change. He accepts her and accommodate her as needed.
Love is when you just had something great happen to you and she's the first person you could think of to whom you want to share that joy with, even if she wouldn't have a clue what you're talking about, because she doesn't fully understand your work or interests and can only respond with a "So, that is good, right?" Even if you had to fumble with your words trying to explain it to her, because you need someone to share that joy with and you want that person to be her.
Love is when no matter how much you plan or how much experience you've had, things will always go differently than what you have imagined. Yet you find that's part of what makes it exciting, to know more about each other, to know what makes her tick. To know what makes her, 'her'.
Love is when you slam the table and yell at the family for not showing up for supper and lecture about proper manners and punctuality etc., not because you actually care about any of that, but rather, because you are about to go on a month-long business trip first thing tomorrow and you wanted to spend more time with them.
Love is when you're 50, 60, 70, or even older, nagging each other of bad habits that you refuse to change and yet, despite it all, when she's late, possibly lost while coming home, you just can't sit still, even if you know it's a fruitless effort you'd still walk up to the street and look towards where she'd come home from and wait impatiently outside in the cold.
Why do we seek Love?
「他以為是他常外面有其他女人的關係!!其實不是!!真正讓我想通的是我不想再一個人生病時看病了!!!」
I saw this line a couple days ago from a friend's blog. It said, "He thought it was because he often had another woman out there!! But that's not why!! What I really realized is that I do not want to go to the hospital by myself when I am ill again!!!"
She was sick and reminiscing a past relationship. Her mother always unforgivingly complained to her on her behalf about how her boyfriend is always out on business trips and doesn't know when to come home and take care of her. She didn't understand why her mother was being so hard on them, until her mother's last days in a hospital and had only her by her side. It was 3:30am and in the next room, a young couple rushed into the ER with their child because of a fever. Then she realized, when their future child is ill will she be taking the child to the hospital by herself? When she's fallen extremely ill will she be dialing 911 for herself? That's when she told her mother that she finally understood.
We don't seek love because we just saw some movie with the perfect guy or the perfect girl who would pamper us and decide that would be the most awesome thing. We don't seek it because we really care about having someone to see through us like an open book . We don't seek it just because it seems like "everyone else is doing it".
No, it is a lot more primal and fundamental than that: We don't want to be alone.
Being strong, tough, mature and independent sucks. It's a front we put up to the world everyday so we don't get picked on, so we don't get judged, so we don't have to answer to everyone. Burdening yourself with everything that is you is terribly exhausting. You keep stuffing things inside until you collapse or even, explode, snapping at everyone around you! You want someone who would share that burden.
But in order to love, we cannot be self-serving. They want the same thing, too.
I find that dating sites like eHarmony misses the point when they dissect a person into various elements for you to pick and choose. It encourages you try to make a list to mold and shape your significant other to your liking, when you should be looking at love holistically.
A lot of people keep talking about what they want or expect out of their partner - but that's not it. Sure, it's nice to have them meet your desires, but what about you? Are you going to meet theirs? Love, goes both ways.
Love is not about "knowing" what exactly the other is thinking. In fact, if you find yourself constantly testing your significant other, you'll find that you can never find the answer you want no matter what you do. At that point, you can choose only to trust him, or leave him. Love requires trust, it requires faith.
At the same time, we must realize that no one is perfect. Even your special someone has faults, makes mistakes, can feel hurt. It is precisely because they, too, possess negative qualities, that they can understand you, accept you, forgive you, comfort you, and grow with you.
Love is a connection, it is mutual. It is a Bond between two.
Once you understood that, it transcends our possessive nature. it evolves: "I don't want Her to be alone." This is why, in some of the great tragic love stories, the dying spouse insists that his partner to not remain a widow for his sake, but to find someone who would be with her to the end, as she did for him.
Despite the fact that I wear a cross, if you asked me if I was religious or not, I would not be able to answer you. I do not pray regularly, yet the cross is meaningful enough to me that I would remove it if I felt compelled to do something I may not be proud of.
However, the one abstract, intangible thing that I do believe in, is Love. I realized that this is my faith, this is my spirituality - this ideology. It has always been the same for me, the only difference the past 2 years has made was that I began to understand it better.
Someone has once said that I date to marry... not quite.
Sure, if from the get go and I've already believe that there's no way this will lead anywhere, then why the heck should I be wasting my time? Why should I waste her time? If it's just for fun you wouldn't feel the need to call it dating. If you felt the need for loyalty or exclusivity, it's already more than just "fun". I am not so naive to believe there exists some perfect relationship where there are no doubts that it is strong enough to withstand anything and last forever. Of course there could be break ups, of course there could be other complications. That's the price we pay for the freedom to choose our Love.
And because of these complications we each may have our own history. Even I have tokens of the past I've kept that while I will be willing to put away, I would absolutely refuse to discard or destroy.
To accept one another we must also accept their history, or "baggage" as some call it, because it is your past experience that made who you are today. Likewise, it is their past experience that made who they are today. The one whom you cherish, the one who cherishes you.
|
住戶編號:1485134
檢舉原因
心情: 
